When I came back to Japan to look after my dying parents I needed something. I was sad, panicking and thrown into despair. I needed some tranquility, serenity…I could say… nirvana. So I started designing tattoos for myself. I wanted heavenly image – flowers, fruits, butterflies… I fancied a garden of Eden in my stomach.
My Big Eden is going to be vertically slashed in half sometime very soon. I am so heartbroken and dispirited. I decided to write down this silly but anguishing feelings.
13th January 2023
The beginning
I always had a slight pain in my lower left abdomen. Since when? …Maybe some time last year. The pain is getting worse. I first thought “Am I constipated? It’s a kind of colonic area?” …No.
My instinct was telling me “it must be ovaries” although they are said to be “the silent organs”. When you feel pain/symptoms that means it’s a little too late.
Anyway, I have to do something. Early detection + early treatment save lives.
I happen to work as an assistant for claims examiners at an insurance company called Aflac. So I do know the basics about cancer and especially – female diseases. Farthermore, I’m very very familiar with tumores both harmless and malicious.
All sorts of scenarios are going round in my head.
I searched good ladies clinic online. I have to say that I don’t know any. Taking this opportunity I carefully throughly searched and searched. It’s not easy – they have to be open late since I may prefer to go after work. Saturday should be open, too. Good doctors, good equipment… but how do I find good doctors? Word of mouth? Reviews?
Japanese health care system
All residents of Japan are required by the law to have health insurance coverage. Patients are free to select physicians or facilities of their choice. Under National Health Insurance, patients need to pay 30% of the total costs (costs associated with surgery, treatment and hospitalization.) of care at clinics and hospitals. It is said that more than 90% of Japanese hospitals and clinics, including dental clinics, accept NHI. Sounds very good, doesn’t it?
However, in order to receive 70% off from the total medical cost I have to pay 26,000 yen every month, as well as taxes. It is mandatory no matter if you are healthy or often visit clinics. If you work as a permanent staff at a company or a good temp agency then they help you so you only pay 9,600 yen per month. This varies depending on your income. These figures are my case so please don’t assume this applies to everyone.
For a long time I had to pay the former figure. But now I am with a good temp agency and work for Aflac I only have to pay the latter.
But we still have to pay 30% of the total cost at counter. This can be a nightmare if you happen to require a serious surgery or treatment. Because of that health insurance is very popular. i.e. MetLife, Aflac, Orix, AXA, Zurich, SBI… these are chart-topping companies.
14th of January 2023
The first examination
I spent hours looking for a reliable sounding clinic online. They accept walk in patients. Great! I waited for a while – it was very busy.
My turn came and I told the doctor what I’m worrying about. I recall hustle and bustle when I had appendicitis many years ago in London – I saw three doctors over four days. They all said, “Oh, you probably have lots of gas in your abdomen.” “You may be constipated.” “Don’t you think you’re little stressed?”
It was of course appendicitis. Thanks to those incompetent doctors (all Japanese) inflammation of the peritoneum had already started. And it took weeks to recover from it. Luckily I happened to meet Doctor Hakim (he is a transplant surgeon). As soon as he saw my face he knew that I was suffering from appendicitis. I still remember he said to me “I cut very low and small so you can wear bikinis.” What a lovely and great surgeon he is!! I need someone just like him now!!
I was imagining the similar situation. However, this doctor was different. He immediately used ultrasonography and found a 15cm tumor in my tummy. 15cm!! I’ve got a melon in my tummy!!
I know a thing or two about cancer. I lost both my father and mother because of this disgusting disease. Besides, I learned a lot at Aflac. I can tell what the doctor is going to say.
He took my blood for tumor maker and booked an MRI clinic for me. He said the tumor is quite large so I will have to have an open surgical resection of both right + left ovaries, uterus, greater omentum and possibly lymph node(s). He also said it is probably “ovarian borderline malignant tumor”. I knew it!! I knew it!! I learnt all these things at work and I am just implementing by myself.
It cost me about 5,000yen today.
20th of January 2023
The MRI day
I had to run to the radiology clinic after work. I’m glad they are open late. The clinic was clean and decent. Nice sofas made me happy. Both my father and mother had an MRI experience so I know what it feels like.
The radiologist asked me some questions. The only thing he frowned upon was – my big tattoo on my stomach. He said “Well it rarely happens but occasionally it burns so please in case it happens please accept it.” Hmm… if it happens I’ll kill you!
The MRI started. Very noisy. Headphones don’t really help. I was in the middle of construction site. After 20mins or so the radiologist told me that he wants me to have contrast agent so that the image will be clearer. Injection time. I’m not scared of needles at all so I said, sure go ahead. He started injecting with contrast agent. But he messed up. The liquid poured from the vein. Ouch. He apologized and injected my left arm this time.
MRI continued. Really noisy.
It cost me 10,000 yen tonight. Ouch x 2.
I am very tired. As it’s Friday I can sleep as long as I want. Good.
21st of January 2023
After MRI…
Saturday – I can’t get up. Still tired from last night? Hmm… I’m very sleepy. I slept all day. I have to clean my house, do the laundry, one week worth of washing up, take care of plants… I wasted whole Saturday yesterday so I have to move but I can’t move. I ended up sleeping all day on Sunday, too.
Monday morning… agwhhhh… I still feel very tired. But I can’t take a day off. I get paid by the hour so I have to be there.
Life in Japan
After I came back from London my life has been going down hill. Very steep. I took very good care of my parents, I was with them when they passed and I organised nice funerals for them. Until then it was difficult but manageable and in a way it was satisfying. They both had a smile on their face when they passed.
After that I started looking + applying for a job. I built a good portfolio as an online designer and animator. Then I was offered a designer position and I worked in a few design agencies but I was always bullied, insulted and humiliated. When I was in London, small or big, creative or non-creative, I was loved by everyone and I loved everyone. My work was always highly appreciated. The harder I worked the better I got + I felt great. Such things do not happen here.
However, I have to work to survive. I have to do something. Can I do something else but art + design? A big NO. I have a problem. Japan is a “qualification” society. “Are you qualified to do this job?” This haunts me. After tweaking my CV, applying dozens of job by both online + off line everyday I got nothing. Only “no experience required” were telephone operator and telephone sales positions.
I have worked as an Apple help desk, docomo tele sales, American Express tele sales, KDDI help desk, life insurance tele sales and so on. I have always been paid by the hour and they were only a few months of temporary contact so I have hardly had an annual leave. Besides I always had to look for the next job. I wanted something “not temp”, I wanted some “paid leave”. AND I do not want to look for the next job all the time. I want to watch films on Netflix without worrying when I come home from work.
So I have got a dream job now. If I don’t mess up anything, I mean if I can show them that I am a serious employee I can stay there for at least three years and after six months I get ten days annual leave. YES! I finally got a nice job. I am not well paid but at least I can watch films or listen to music etc. in the evenings instead of worrying about what’s gonna happen in three months time.
I must say that this job is very very interesting. I have just finished training (meaning: watch videos all day everyday on my own) – I leant so much medical stuff. Common deseases like cancer, cerebral infarction, myocardial infarction, etc. and how doctors perform surgeries, rare illness, operations and medicines, and so on. As we judge (wether we pay or not to the insured) by the method of the operation not by the name of disease. I learned how major surgeries are performed, too. I am totally absorbed in learning these things. I had never thought that I can become so into it. I am even looking forward to my debut!!
Some naughty people have a bad health condition and sign up for a health care insurance stating they are “healthy” because they know they will definitely get the money in the future. We have to look into claim forms carefully and stop them from benefit fraud.
But most people are genuinely healthy and have insurance coverage in case something bad happens to them. The thing is tho, 99.99% of the insured don’t read their insurance contract/policy. Including myself. So if you have carcinoma in situ and as your doctor tells you that you have a cancer you naturally think you get the insurance money but your insurance policy may not cover it. Then we have to explain the insured what plan you signed up for and what it covers/doesn’t cover.
My job exactly is: making a phone call to the insured/beneficiary who make a claim because they found out they have an illness or injury (and they think the insurance company will give you the money because you have been paying the premium for decades) BUT we sometimes have to say we cannot pay you at all because the insurance policy says so. This is tough. Some people calmly accept it, some go absolutely furious, some hire an attorney.
I am insured with Zurich. The plan I signed up is especially designed for cancer. Since I don’t know where my policy book is (bad, bad, bad) I phoned up the customer support and I told my condition. I pay 10,000 yen for the premium every month so I naturally expect to be able to get some insurance money.
The operator told me that they won’t pay me because I have “ovarian borderline malignant tumor”. Awgh… Fuck. she told me exactly the same thing that I might be saying to some clients at work. But she was very cold, emotionless and she had a business-like attitude. Bitch. I want to be more sympathetic, consoling and amiable towards our clients. I want to say to all of them – I am going through exactly the same path as you are. Life is unfair but please don’t give up!
At the moment I am listening lots of telephone log at work. I am quite moved by my colleagues who have been doing this job for years – they are so good at it. I want to become like them – I should be better!
2nd of February 2023
My old friend – Osaka International Cancer Centre
I’ve had cervical cancer a few years ago. It is said to be a disease if you have lots of sex partners. It is almost thought to be an STD. BUT I have been living like a nun for many years. Sooo unfair. Even if you have only one partner you can develop this disease. Anyone who has had sex once is at risk of cervical cancer. Anyway, I had an operation at this Osaka International Cancer Centre. My condition remains in remission. I am going there again.
I arrived at the centre at twenty to ten in the morning. As COVID is still raging nobody but cancer patients should be here. But it looks busy.
Today’s menu:
Exam, exam and exam… Somewhere in between I am meeting my attending physician/surgeon. He is the head of gynecology in this centre so maybe I should feel lucky.
- Collecting urine sample and lots of blood sample
- X-ray inspection
- CT scan combines a series of X-ray images taken from different angles
- Respiratory function test
- Pathological cytology and consultation with GYN Kamiura
Dr. Kamiura told me exactly what I was expecting. Just the same thing that I heard at the ladies clinic last month. No surprises. But what annoys me is that I cannot “book” the dates of admission or surgery date(s). The centre decides/prioritizes who comes over who. It’s not like “first come first served”. If there’s someone “more dying” than me that person will get the slot. My boss at work will be troubled as he cannot schedule anything around me…
It took whole day – I came home around 19hrs. The bill for today’s exams and consultation came to 25,000 yen. Besides I had to take a day off from work I don’t get paid nothing for today.
I told my boss everything. The details of my condition, what surgery I will undergo and the centre cannot tell me when I will be able to admit. Because of his nature of work he must know everything really well. He told me not to worry about work, my health should be the first priority. Very nice guy.
8th of February 2023
Another exam day… Today’s menu:
- Master stress electrocardiogram
- Blood vessel diameter measurement using apparatus
No consultation with Dr. Kamiura. I took half day so I had an afternoon off from work. Not too bad. The exam fee was 2,000 yen today.
Hospitals
I like hospitals. My mother worked at a big hospital. After kindergarten I took a bus to the hospital she worked. Until she finished at half five the hospital was my playground. I was running around reception + waiting area, chatting to patients – some patients gave me sweets, one patient was very good at drawing he drew me a picture of an old bus. I was very impressed. The lady at the shop knew me very well but she never gave me free sweets. People at the pharmacy always looked busy and a bit mean to me so I hardly played near them. I also witnessed lots of ambulances coming in carrying injured people into emergency room. I saw many scary scenes. But I always associate hospital with fun, happy place.
At half five my mother and I happily walked home together. After big renovation at the hospital she showed me operation theatres, wards, all sorts of examination rooms with the latest machines. She looked so happy and seemed very proud of herself. I was small but proud of her, too.
14th of February 2023
Another visit to the cancer centre
- Personal Interview
- Consultation with pharmacist
- Consultation with anesthesiologist
- Consultation with Dr. Kamiura
Personal interview is funny. They are very good at acting as if they really care about us. I’ve had an interview when I had a cervical cancer. They ask me what worries me, are there any unanswered questions, etc. etc. But it is only a formal gesture. I asked her how I would be able to pay the bill? Zurich rejected me so no cancer insurance money coming in. …She can’t answer.
I have nobody. I have no husband, no partner, no friends, no children, no relatives. Even if I happen to die nobody will come to my funeral. The funeral itself might not happen anyway. How do I deal with this emptiness? Mingle with other patients? No, thanks. They have someone. The person in front of me can’t answer. She couldn’t say a word.
Doc. Kamiura told me that I might be able to admit the cancer centre on the 14th of March. He also said that he might be able to operate on me on the 15th of March. He only has a rough idea that I would stay there till the 25th-ish. I was told to wait for a confirmation call from the centre.
I had to tell him a few things.
One of them was – when I had a cervical cancer my attending physician/surgeon was a different person. (He left the centre sometime last year.) He was annoyingly strict about rules. He said because I needed general anesthesia there should be somebody (my family or friends or whatever) waiting in a room next to the operation theatre during surgery. I did ask a few people who I thought they were my friends but they all said they were busy. I told him that I have no family or no friends so there would be no one coming. He said it was a hospital regulation so if I couldn’t find no one there would be no operation.
I was pretty pissed off. He was not sympathetic at all. He was indifferent. Super reluctantly I had to “hire” someone from “odd-job man” agency. It cost me 15,000 yen. I told Dr.Kamiura that I cannot do that again, if you cannot operate because of the fucking registration I’d rather not to have surgery and die.
Dr.Kamiura said that’s no problem.
He is cool.
I had to ask him another favour. My Big Eden. I explained to him how important my Eden is and I want him to be extra extra careful when he puts a scalpel into my abdomen + stitches after he removes affected organs. I couldn’t stand if the drawing was distorted. Dr. Kamiura looked a little troubled and said, “I will do my best but it’s a very difficult request.”
Oh, I had a very important question. This is rather critical. “Will I get hairy legs after the surgery?” He firmly answered “No.” I had a suspicious feeling that he might be lying.
On death and dying
My mother was reading this book when she was on a chemo. This is not about the actual moment that your soul leaves your body. It’s about five stages of grief – how you deal with it as days go by. I can’t remember who wrote it or how influential this book to dying people. But my mother was really into it and that influenced me.
In short, the book says we go through the following phases. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Denial – As a natural born optimist, I can’t be bothered with those mood/emotion swing/change. If I happen to die, I die. It’s simple. I might get run over by a car and die tonight. I don’t deny the fact that I’ve got a serious health issue. My abdomen will be cut 20cm and my Eden will be unattractive. That’s it.
Anger – Well, “why me?” crossed my mind but I’m not angry. I might become angry if some smart ass says, “Sometimes things happen for a reason.” Nothing happens for a reason. In this world unexpected incidents assembled and dispersed, we are floating particles, flickering. Some die, some survive. No reason.
Bargaining – “It happens when people struggle to accept the reality of the loss and the limits of their control over the situation.” I don’t quite get it. I’m not ready to die yet. Freddie Mercury beautifully sings “Who Wants To Live Forever”. It touches my soul and I shed a tear every time I listen to it. He’d known he was dying. Did he go through this five path? What was going round in his mind? Was he ever ready to die?
I want to live forever. I want to keep running leaning things, visiting places and having fun.
Depression – Hmm… easy to fall for this. I might become really miserable and depressed later on.
Acceptance – I accept everything including that my Big Eden is going to look hideous. There’s no point in rejecting or denying. It is happening. It’s real. I want to cry but I accept it all.
At the moment my views on the five stages are pretty simple. But will it change over time? Zurich is not paying – I think – in a way it’s a good sign. I’m not gonna die.
15th of February 2023
Aflac is sacking me
My temp agency called and told me that Aflac is giving me only one month extension of the contract. Originally my contract ends at the end of March and I was expecting three months extension. Normally, with big company, they extend the contract every three or six months. At the end of the contract there is an interview/chat with the agency and you can tell them you are happy to continue working…or not.
If they do not extend my contract it is too obvious that they are sacking me because of my health condition. I will be discharged from hospital during the last week of March. It’s too perfect. They are giving me one month means they want me to buckle down as soon as I come back from hospital? I don’t even know how many days I can go to the office + work in April. I have to work like a dog to prove that I am worth keeping? Very cruel. At mid April they will say, “Well, she wasn’t very competent. So we’re not going to extend the contract.”
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
They have nothing to lose as they don’t have to pay me while I’m not there! They can’t sack me like this!
…or did they notice that I nick loo paper once in a while?
I know what… “You do not fit in our company.” When they have no pacific reason to get rid of someone they use this. I have been more polite than everyone, staying low, bowing all the time, I never chatted/spoke to anyone around me. Many people don’t even say “Good morning” but I do. I passed the insurance exam with very high score!
Damn! Damn! Damn!
I am more shocked than receiving the news of cancer.
Badass…
25th of February 2023
I am calm now. I was naive. Of course they want to get rid of me. I could be their burden or even encumbrance.
mybigeden.blog 
Leave a comment